![]() “I don’t remember what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I’m sure it wasn’t a debt ridden, people hating, dog loving, sarcastic bitch with an alcohol problem.” What do you do? Get your drunk ass off the carousel.” “You’re riding a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe next to you, and a lion chasing you. “You know you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses” “Somebody left a grocery list in this cart that said… Cheese and shit like that. “My housekeeping style is best described as there appears to have been a struggle” “Funny how drinking 8 cups of water a day seems like it’s impossible but 8 beers and 6 shots in 3 hours go down like a fat kid on a see-saw…” “I do not have the emotional strength to handle the sound of a person chewing loudly.” “Apparently spite is not an appropriate answer to what motivates you?” “I hate when I think I’m buying organic vegetables and when I get home I discover they’re just regular donuts” If they panic and start running to you, you’re old.” “One way to find out if you are old is to fall down in front of a lot of people. ![]() “Some days I have my shit together… Some days I spit toothpaste in my own hair.” “How to be a grown up at work: replace fuck you with ok, great.” “Me: I need some help around here! Also me: no, not like that…here, I’ll do it.” Well technically they are stupid people, but give me a few minutes.” ![]()
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